its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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