She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
