These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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