i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
