I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
