just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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