Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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