Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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