i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
