I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this just has baby written all over it
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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