Ambien. No doubt about it.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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