I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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