I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
