I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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