Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize