I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
