so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
