He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
