Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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