Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
