my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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