I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
