Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
