We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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