At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
