Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
