Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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