the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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