Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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