After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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