If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
