When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
