Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
