Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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