covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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