News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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