If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
