i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
