Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
