You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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