The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
