Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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