He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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