If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
it was like eating out sand paper
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
