so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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