I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
