Apparently you make a good broom.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
