I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Randomize