Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Randomize
