How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize