i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
