so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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