life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
