Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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