rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
