Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
