i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
