It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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