Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
