saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
