On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
